April 18, 2019
  • 8:38 am Teenager Helps Local Farmer Create AI-Powered Slaughterhouse
  • 8:52 pm Notre Dame Cathedral Catches Fire After Rave Party
  • 4:17 pm Florida Man Allegedly Raped Entire Barn of Animals
  • 9:40 pm First Ever ‘Meatball Plant’ Created
  • 8:31 pm Scientific Study Shows that Dogs With ‘Waves’ Mate 200% Less

Ethan Icich of Philadelphia High School and Daniel Chadcliffe of Pepperidge Farm have joined forces to create the world’s first AI-powered slaughterhouse. Icich had the idea after his great-grandma choked to death on a wad of contaminated beef, emotionally pushing him to take matters into his own hands. “It’s quite simple, if we can remove […]

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The Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire on April 15, Monday. Firefighters rushed into the burning cathedral and found a rave party inside. The iconic spire fell down and crushed most of the party, confusing firefighters and allowing a few members to escape. Ezra Peta, the host of the party, was arrested by Paris police when […]

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Sean Worthing of Florida was arrested Wednesday by FBI agents tracking an online pedophile going by the name ‘FlrodiaMan’. Worthing used his fake name to trick law enforcement agents into believing he was not actually in Florida. “It’s fucking genius. Nobody would just give away their actual location, reverse psychology actually works! Criminals should broadcast […]

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Dr. Flint Lock of MIT and his team of geeky and socially awkward undergraduates have created the world’s first ‘meatball plant’. The meatball plant is a highly customized GMO that creates grows meat rather than flower buds. “It’s not actually a plant, but a fungus that lives on a plant that can only reproduce by […]

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Samantha Jones and her team at UCLA (University of California Los Angeles) have made a groundbreaking discovery: Dogs with ‘waves’ are 200 times less likely to mate throughout their lifetime. The experiment was done in a parking lot that was cordoned off for the duration of the experiment. An interesting observation is that even after […]

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Studio Ghibli is an animation studio based in Koganei, Tokyo, Asian Island. They are well-known for producing high-quality movies like Spirited Away, My Neighbor Totoro, and the anime adaptation of Nemo. While Studio Ghibli does not directly use animals in their animated works, they prominently feature animals and various other furry characters, idealizing the use […]

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PETA was founded by Ezra Peta in 1980. “So like, now I do speedruns on my YouTube channel ‘xxEzraBxxx’ now,” Ezra says in an interview, “I only did this thing as a joke with some guys from the pub, I didn’t think people would be this serious.” PETA has been nobel in their efforts, euthanizing […]

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Father John received an unexpected visit at 3 am. A little boy was at the door. “Father John, where do dogs go when they die?” Father John beckoned the boy into his room. “Was he a good dog?” “He tore off Uncle Steve’s penis.” “Was Uncle Steve an asshole?” “Yes.” Father John stood up and […]

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After years of harassment from PETA, the Chinese Dictators have approved a new non-animal testing method for cosmetics. Pets will no longer be sacrificed to Cthulu with the smell of Chinese hairspray. Rather, they will be roasted over an open bonfire and fed to starving Chinese families. No animal should get shit sprayed in its […]

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Bihg Karpet was not planning on being a hero on March 29. It was an abnormally hot day in Bangladesh, India when Bihg was returning home from work on his bike. “The bike belong to my great-great-grandfather,” he says in a thick Indian accent, “I love it, but I must go slow to avoid snapping […]

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