May 25, 2019
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination
  • 8:55 pm AI-Powered Degutter and Meat Grinder Ravage Philadelphia
  • 8:38 am Teenager Helps Local Farmer Create AI-Powered Slaughterhouse
  • 8:52 pm Notre Dame Cathedral Catches Fire After Rave Party

Martin Licis, the world’s strongest anime fan, was found in his apartment on last Friday unresponsive, covered by 500 lbs of anime body pillows, figurines, and masturbation devices. “We thought Mr. Licis was dead, but we found that he was sweating and breathing softly and uncontrollably, clear signs of low blood sugar,” says Angela, a […]

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TOKYO, JAPAN—猫カフェ (Neko Cafe) has been under fire for displaying unclothed cats. PETA offered the cafe a free 1-hour examination of the premises, promising to weed out any other debilitating violations with every extra minute costing an additional 2,000 yen. Bob, the Paris Police Prefecture consultant nutritionist and co-founder of PETA, was the leader of […]

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An AI-powered degutter and meat grinder have escaped Pepperidge Farm, Philadelphia. Ethan Icich and Daniel Chadcliffe, the creators of the abominations, are under governmental protection as they attempt to find ways to remotely disable the robots. “[The robots are holding] 42 people hostage, the use of force is prohibited.” Chief of Staff of the United […]

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Ethan Icich of Philadelphia High School and Daniel Chadcliffe of Pepperidge Farm have joined forces to create the world’s first AI-powered slaughterhouse. Icich had the idea after his great-grandma choked to death on a wad of contaminated beef, emotionally pushing him to take matters into his own hands. “It’s quite simple, if we can remove […]

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The Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire on April 15, Monday. Firefighters rushed into the burning cathedral and found a rave party inside. The iconic spire fell down and crushed most of the party, confusing firefighters and allowing a few members to escape. Ezra Peta, the host of the party, was arrested by Paris police when […]

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Sean Worthing of Florida was arrested Wednesday by FBI agents tracking an online pedophile going by the name ‘FlrodiaMan’. Worthing used his fake name to trick law enforcement agents into believing he was not actually in Florida. “It’s fucking genius. Nobody would just give away their actual location, reverse psychology actually works! Criminals should broadcast […]

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Dr. Flint Lock of MIT and his team of geeky and socially awkward undergraduates have created the world’s first ‘meatball plant’. The meatball plant is a highly customized GMO that creates grows meat rather than flower buds. “It’s not actually a plant, but a fungus that lives on a plant that can only reproduce by […]

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Samantha Jones and her team at UCLA (University of California Los Angeles) have made a groundbreaking discovery: Dogs with ‘waves’ are 200 times less likely to mate throughout their lifetime. The experiment was done in a parking lot that was cordoned off for the duration of the experiment. An interesting observation is that even after […]

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Studio Ghibli is an animation studio based in Koganei, Tokyo, Asian Island. They are well-known for producing high-quality movies like Spirited Away, My Neighbor Totoro, and the anime adaptation of Nemo. While Studio Ghibli does not directly use animals in their animated works, they prominently feature animals and various other furry characters, idealizing the use […]

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PETA was founded by Ezra Peta in 1980. “So like, now I do speedruns on my YouTube channel ‘xxEzraBxxx’ now,” Ezra says in an interview, “I only did this thing as a joke with some guys from the pub, I didn’t think people would be this serious.” PETA has been nobel in their efforts, euthanizing […]

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