May 25, 2019
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination
  • 8:55 pm AI-Powered Degutter and Meat Grinder Ravage Philadelphia
  • 8:38 am Teenager Helps Local Farmer Create AI-Powered Slaughterhouse
  • 8:52 pm Notre Dame Cathedral Catches Fire After Rave Party

Ethan Icich of Philadelphia High School and Daniel Chadcliffe of Pepperidge Farm have joined forces to create the world’s first AI-powered slaughterhouse.

Icich had the idea after his great-grandma choked to death on a wad of contaminated beef, emotionally pushing him to take matters into his own hands.

“It’s quite simple, if we can remove humans from the workplace, contamination will be essentially nonexistent,” Icich says.

Chadcliffe’s meeting with Icich was of pure luck. He was at Fairmont Park, complaining to a random homeless person about how his entire slaughterhouse workforce had quit amid a deadly fungus outbreak when Icich was passing by and accidentally dropped his notebook filled with diagrams of deadly robots in front of Chadcliffe, sparking their weeklong friendship.

“I’ll be open-sourcing the CAD models and code to Github once we work out a couple of the bugs,” Icich tells our interviewer, “there were a couple problems with the degutter, as it seems to have gained the ability to move and generate energy to sustain itself by using the kinetic energy of the animals’ flowing blood.

“People have to understand that you can’t anthropomorphize AI. If you’re standing in the way, then you’re in trouble. Unfortunately, the degutter’s AI has messed-up weights that makes it gut every living thing that it sees.”

Immediately after he says this, Daniel runs into the barn and tackles everybody to the ground.

Loud chainsaw noises are heard as the rogue degutter robot rolls by the barn, squishing a random pig in its path.

Daniel pulls Icich away from out interviewer and mumbles something into his ear. Our microphone picks everything up.

“The meat grinder is missing.”


A deafening explosion abruptly ends the recording.

–This article is dedicated to Ethan.


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