June 27, 2019
  • 11:02 pm Californian Bunny Becomes Tic Toc Memelord After Caught ‘Not Believing In Non-Binary People”
  • 6:35 am James Beamon Arrested By PETA Geheime Polizei for Animal Abuse in His Work
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination
  • 8:55 pm AI-Powered Degutter and Meat Grinder Ravage Philadelphia

CALIFORNIA, FONTANA—Pleading to be anonymous, a Jane Doe of California was caught ‘not believing in non-binary people’.

Chief Keef of FPD was in charge of the sting operation that uncovered Jane’s illicit beliefs.

“This is California, the land of full-alternate neighborhoods filled predominantly with minorities. If you aren’t not straight, go shove a broom up your ass.”
-Chief Keef

Tim the Turtle and Ralphy the Rabbit offered to comment after tipping the police on Jane.

“I mean, we were prejudiced against her from the start” Tim says.

“Yeah, I mean, what sort of animal are you if the first letter of your name isn’t the first letter of your species? It completely violates our naming conventions” Ralphy adds.

Jane was not given any jail time because she is a minor, but her peers expect her to fully embrace the LGBTQ+ by the end of June.

Jane used to do bad drawings on her Instagram, but after being condemned by all of California she moved onto Tic Toc, a music-video platform for fuckboys and various other cringelords.

After garnering an immense following due to genetic advantages and good self-care, Jane was able to free Bobby Shmurda from Area 51 with the help of some horny fuckboys.

The death count of soldiers and prepubescent boys is unknown and most of the bodies were unidentifiable. There were very few survivors when rescue teams were dispatched onto the scene, all of which died in transit to the nearest hospital.

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“Jane has been traveling through America in a straight path towards Philadelphia. We suspect that she may be trying to recruit the Rogue Degutter and Meat Grinder.”
Chief of Staff of the United States Army, General Mark A. Milley.

Currently, Philadelphia is a warzone. PETA agents have been dropping animals onto the Machines in vain attempts to help, but experts have discovered that the Machines have learned to use the animals as biofuel.

On the other hand, Martin Licis, the world’s strongest anime fan, has begun the test release of his genetically engineered catgirls.

With the help of Ethan Icich (the creator of the Machines), Licis was able to weaponize his catgirls at the expense of some genetic faults.

“The problem is that we can’t completely alter some of the genes or else we’ll change some important aspects of the weaponry, so they’re, uh… futanaris” Licis whispers to our interviewer.

Ethan is chilling behind him on a couch with some catgirls as he says this.

“I haven’t told Ethan yet” he says, lowering his voice even more, “and I’m not sure how long it’ll take before their superhuman sexual libido kicks in. We don’t really have a kill switch and some of the early prototypes are still out in the wild.”

Gov. Wolf of Philadelphia originally accepted to answer our questions but declined after receiving them.