May 25, 2019
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Dr. Flint Lock of MIT and his team of geeky and socially awkward undergraduates have created the world’s first ‘meatball plant’.

The meatball plant is a highly customized GMO that creates grows meat rather than flower buds.

“It’s not actually a plant, but a fungus that lives on a plant that can only reproduce by using the fungus’s energy.” Wood says.

The meatball plant is designed to survive in any climate, acidic, volcanic, freezing, etc.

“There was a minor contamination breach,” Wood says, “and we haven’t fully understood the genetic stability or the fungus itself, but it should all blow over in a couple weeks.”

As he says this, one of his students crawls into the lab and makes a horrific gurgling noise before wheezing out a bloody lung-shaped meatball.

“Holy fucking…” Wood trails off, gaping at the damp meat on the floor as it wriggles around randomly, searching for a new host body.

The student lifts his head off the pile of blood that is spewing out of every orfice of his body, r u n , p l e a s e

—This article was requested by Anonymous.


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