June 27, 2019
  • 11:02 pm Californian Bunny Becomes Tic Toc Memelord After Caught ‘Not Believing In Non-Binary People”
  • 6:35 am James Beamon Arrested By PETA Geheime Polizei for Animal Abuse in His Work
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination
  • 8:55 pm AI-Powered Degutter and Meat Grinder Ravage Philadelphia

James Beamon, an indie author with no SEO juice, was arrested by the PGP (PETA Geheime Polizei), an offshoot fanmade flavor of the Nazi Gestapo.

Bob Himmler (not related to Heinrich Himmler, but would’ve been proud to be), the Chief of the force, offered to comment after Beamon’s arrest.

“Beamon has been charged by the public for idealizing the abuse of animals in his fictional work in Lightspeed magazine”
—Chief Bob Himmler

In the work, Beamon’s protagonist uses capuchins as a weapon to destroy foes. As the capuchins suffer near-fatal wounds from multiple battles, metal parts are used to stitch them back together for the purpose of being living weapons.

In addition to the idealization of animal abuse, James Beamon is also guilty of unrealistic portrayal cows in another one his works titled Settling Beef, which is about intelligent alien cows.

James Beamon did not comment on the matter and will be judged by Ţ̴̢̡̧̡̛̝̙̠͎͇̜̰̜̯͇̝̗̗̞̖̟̻̅̀̆͗̂̔̔̍̀̈́̇̊̅͑̓̽̒̃̉̒̔̐̾̈́͐̈́̕̚͜͠͝h̵̛̗͍̆͛̈́͂͋̄́̀͌̾̿̂̈͑̀ȩ̵̡̛̲̥̭̱̣̮̩̺̝͖̬̘́͋̔̾͌̈̌̌͌̿̌̔̍̎́̅̍̂̂͘ ̷̢̡̙͖̻͎̰͎̗͚̘̯̫̩̖̘̟͍͐͐̍̔̋̽̿͂̈́̍̂̆́̓͌̽͒̀̃͝͠͠C̵̡̡̡̟̺̞͎̗̥͖̪̠̠̳̩͓͉͎͈̩̪̼̪̼͋̌͆͒͐o̶͕͔̳͕͋͗͜͝ủ̴̧̜͎͆̀͐̃̀̽̉͌̑͐̄́̿̌͒́͊̓̄̏͐̚̚̕̕n̴̦̯̈́̌̀̒͒͌͂͐͑͌̑͒̌̈́̒̾̔͐̂̇̏̏̐͌̑̅̐̏̅̕͠͝c̸̡̢̢̙͈͚̺̩̬͓̱̗̹̹̳̳̜͇̮̯̠̬͚̼̠̼̼̹̱͔͂̎͜͜i̶̡̯̻̰̗̪̺̦̜͈̫̥̰̬̤̯̤̠͈̿̓̈́̎̆̓̋̃̇̕l̶̨̡̨̡̦̤̗̳̼̪̠̘̮̗͓̥̲͓̔͋̑̑̈́̃̃́̒̓́̓̉͐̿̀̒̀̌̒̓͑͗͘͘̚̚͠͝ͅ in Ṡ̵̛̺̬̝͋̄͗͆͗̎͘͝͝p̶̯̫̭̥͈͔͐̽̎̈̓̀̋́͘͠͠ä̶͓͖͉̟͖̥̺̪́̿̓̈̀č̷̙̗̈́̾͐́ę̸̧̡̻̮̲̣̻̰͕̱̃ṯ̸͍̰̟̜͓̫͖͓͋̅̽̅̉͆̐̆̅͐̈́̚̚i̸̢̬͎̅́͗̓̑͒͝ṃ̵̨̪̎̅͗̅̒͊̈̆͆͂͂͛̏̚e̶̙͍̱̩̪̟͔̮͇͖͊̅̚ ̶̛͉͊̆͆́̇̂͑͗̌͐͘͝͝F̸̨̛͍͔͖̠̘̞̩͔͈͛̄̅̾̄̆́́̽̐͂́ǫ̸̯̦̮̜̙̼̘͕͈̫̤̘̓̍̅͗̊̓̿͑̉̐͂̂͜͝ͅl̵̥͍̳̏̇̅̔̏̕d̸͈̘̋͊́͒́͋͛̑̇̕ ̷͓̪̮̮͌͐̀͋̍̏́̒́̓̀̄̀͝͝0̷̰̣̤͖͓͓͚͔̹̩̳̻͉̻̃̀͑̈̽̋͐̽͒͌̍͑̽̚3̵̧̛̛̓̊̄͐̐̎̒̄2̴͙̳̥͔̟̲͉̘̳̓̾́̉̓̐̆͌ in Ḯ̶̼̗͚̰̰͉̦̞̞̤̝̮̠̤̖͊͗͆͑͂͒̎̇͂͗̇͘̚m̶̼̬͉͍͙̮̺̻̳͐̍ḁ̶̛̺̜̖͚͌̄͋̃͗̊̇͊̕̚g̷̛̖̭̜̱̲͉̽̈́̈́̿̓̀̒̊́̓̏͗̚į̶̧͚͎͇̭̺̝͌̂͑͂̑̏̂̈́̇̈̀͋͘n̸̨͙̠̺̭̥̭̟̰̙̤̖̈́̏̽͐̓̔̿̂͗̿̏̈́̕͝ͅá̵̡̨̯͇̺͙̞͕͎͔̬̮̟͓͋̀͛̍̑͐r̸̡̢̧̡̢̡̞̟̞̳͈̣̪̹̻͂͌̓̒̑̄̄ÿ̷̡̮̟̳́͐͆̈́̚͜͝ ̴̛̟̹̾̀̈͂̐͋̈́̑́͑̈T̶̲̻̥͒̏͐̒́͐̆̑̽̾͝i̶̗̱̳͎̦̮̪͑̾͊̈́̀̽̈́̈́̀̚̕͠m̴̭̰̻̜̱͓͔͙͍̟̺͈̬̐͗̽̂̾́̆̈́̊̃͂̍͐͠è̸̻̰̖͆̑̓͜ͅ.

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