May 25, 2019
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TOKYO, JAPAN—猫カフェ (Neko Cafe) has been under fire for displaying unclothed cats.

PETA offered the cafe a free 1-hour examination of the premises, promising to weed out any other debilitating violations with every extra minute costing an additional 2,000 yen.

Bob, the Paris Police Prefecture consultant nutritionist and co-founder of PETA, was the leader of the group that did the examination.

“Do not touch the cats. It might be a trap, you can’t trust those sneaky Japs,” he says through his obnoxiously neon yellow hazmat suit, “also, my sinuses are really bad and those damn pink-ass weeb trees are shitting pollen everywhere, so let’s make this quick.”

Not a minute had passed before one of the inspectors found a massive threat to the cafe’s existence.

Dress-up rooms were in the back of the cafe for customers to go in and change into cute cosplay outfits.

“The problem is the curtains. They are extremely thin and made out of soft flowing silk. This is a major threat, as it is common knowledge that males will be tempted to sneak into the poorly secured rooms with females and force them to have sexual intercourse against their will.”

But Bob wasn’t done yet.

Health concerns were also brought to attention when one of the inspectors was found unresponsive and pronounced dead at the scene, the cause of death being a cat jumping on his face and muffling his screams of joy until he died from asphyxiation.

Axes were used to chop down the changing rooms to make way for safer attractions.

Amanda Heimer, PETA’s lead decoration advisor, has 14 years of experience criticizing the way other people decorate things.

Heimer was in charge of pitching the new designs for the things that would go into the now-empty corner.

“I think we should put a table in the corner,” she says, “I have a friend in FedEx who can make a pretty decent table out of precisely stacked packing peanuts, though, it will probably have to be built on-prem.

“I was thinking that we could also throw in my merch or maybe laser-engrave my Insta into the side. Maybe even stick some of the stickers I’m selling on Redbubble on the walls or the cats.”

The Japanese workers listening to her nodded and clapped politely, unsure of what she was saying. At the end of her presentation, one of the workers politely stood up and started cheering, causing the others to also stand up and cheer as well.

A grand total of 70 violations were found, all of which were fixed by Heimer. Despite this, the cafe still closed down when the owner refused to pay the bill, resulting in PETA’s use of force by doing a series of door-to-door raids on the owner’s family and friends, whom are now under the custody of PETA and being slowly amputated by an ancient Japanese torture device until the owner of the cafe wires 1,500,000,000 yen to PETA’s offshore Nigerian bank accounts.


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