May 25, 2019
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination
  • 8:55 pm AI-Powered Degutter and Meat Grinder Ravage Philadelphia
  • 8:38 am Teenager Helps Local Farmer Create AI-Powered Slaughterhouse
  • 8:52 pm Notre Dame Cathedral Catches Fire After Rave Party

Martin Licis, the world’s strongest anime fan, was found in his apartment on last Friday unresponsive, covered by 500 lbs of anime body pillows, figurines, and masturbation devices.

“We thought Mr. Licis was dead, but we found that he was sweating and breathing softly and uncontrollably, clear signs of low blood sugar,” says Angela, a newbie paramedic at the scene.

As she says this, Martin lays on the floor behind her; he is being monitored by the rest of her team. Without warning, Martin awakens and jumps onto his feet and begins running around his apartment, picking up all of his Japanese goods in a last stand.

Police tackle him and get thrown across the room by Martin’s sheer force. Angela picks up a nearby weight and chucks it at Martin, missing him entirely and crushing a nearby Konosuba figurine to pieces.

Martin screams loudly before being tazed by six police officers. He collapses on a pile of body pillows.

“He evaded customs and escaped the airport by hijacking a tiny plane he filled with anime goods” Officer Grass explains to our interviewer after police forces put fifteen pairs of handcuffs on Martin and sedate him with a giant syringe.

Angela stares the crumbling apartment filled with officer-shaped dents in the drywall, “I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

Then a detective rushes out of the restroom, “I found it!”

He produces ten lolicon magazines from a first aid kit and throws them on the coffee table, accidentally knocking over a lamp, causing more hidden magazines to fall out of the lamp, which land on a nearby floorboard, activating a secret switch that flips Martin’s bed over to reveal an underground lair filled with life-sized anime figurines and illegal genetic engineering experiments focused on creating catgirls.

Martin is currently under governmental protection as he works with a team of talented geneticists to finish his experiments as part of a deal he struck with the Supreme Court to trade his prison time to aid the creation of catgirls for the greater good of all of humanity.


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