May 25, 2019
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination
  • 8:55 pm AI-Powered Degutter and Meat Grinder Ravage Philadelphia
  • 8:38 am Teenager Helps Local Farmer Create AI-Powered Slaughterhouse
  • 8:52 pm Notre Dame Cathedral Catches Fire After Rave Party

The Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire on April 15, Monday.

Firefighters rushed into the burning cathedral and found a rave party inside. The iconic spire fell down and crushed most of the party, confusing firefighters and allowing a few members to escape.

Ezra Peta, the host of the party, was arrested by Paris police when he was found having sex with a fire hydrant near an orphanage while on fire.

The fire hydrant is currently decompressing in Hospital Lariboisière and has refused requests to comment. (All of the requests were from the BBC.)

Ezra Peta is the founder of PETA, an organized cult centered around the sacrifice of animals.

Peta escaped from police custody mere minutes after being detained by handcuffs made out of baguettes.

Chief Lucien of Paris Police Prefecture released a tweet during the fire.

“Absolutely horrible. Budget cuts have been damaging to the force. Who thought it would be a good idea to use bread for handcuffs?”

Bob, the nutritionist at PETA, made a public statement. “The starches in the bread were weak because the bread was freshly made. I recommend making the bread beforehand, as wet dough is relatively easy to escape from. Additional restraints should be added to reduce the force exerted on the bread and starchy substances and bitterants should be added to prevent the bread from being eaten…”

Bob is now doubling as a consultant to the Paris Police force, but only on Mondays.


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