May 25, 2019
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination
  • 8:55 pm AI-Powered Degutter and Meat Grinder Ravage Philadelphia
  • 8:38 am Teenager Helps Local Farmer Create AI-Powered Slaughterhouse
  • 8:52 pm Notre Dame Cathedral Catches Fire After Rave Party

Father John received an unexpected visit at 3 am. A little boy was at the door. “Father John, where do dogs go when they die?” Father John beckoned the boy into his room. “Was he a good dog?” “He tore off Uncle Steve’s penis.” “Was Uncle Steve an asshole?” “Yes.” Father John stood up and […]

READ MORE

After years of harassment from PETA, the Chinese Dictators have approved a new non-animal testing method for cosmetics. Pets will no longer be sacrificed to Cthulu with the smell of Chinese hairspray. Rather, they will be roasted over an open bonfire and fed to starving Chinese families. No animal should get shit sprayed in its […]

READ MORE

Bihg Karpet was not planning on being a hero on March 29. It was an abnormally hot day in Bangladesh, India when Bihg was returning home from work on his bike. “The bike belong to my great-great-grandfather,” he says in a thick Indian accent, “I love it, but I must go slow to avoid snapping […]

READ MORE

Recently, we bombarded TAMU (Texas A&M University) with death threats, bomb threats, and various other threats to the university’s Board of Regents meeting, taking hostage a couple pregnant women and small children in the process. TAMU has been leading groundbreaking research on muscular dystrophy, a disease that slowly weakens muscles until total paralysis. It becomes […]

READ MORE

For years, PETA has attacked the Wilmington Blue Rocks and the Frederick Keys with factual and useless information on ‘monkey rodeos’, which are inhumane abuse of animals for entertainment. Capuchins are gently clothed in cute costumes and placed on equally cute dogs, then the dogs race with the monkeys riding. Most people have no problem […]

READ MORE

Saddam Hussein was born on April 29, 1937. He was president of Iraq and led peaceful support for PETA in various military operations. He was unjustly murdered by the US on December 30, 2006. Thus, to celebrate Saddam’s legacy, at the beginning of each April PETA members will gather together at CHARLIE 1100. Foods and […]

READ MORE

The League of United Storks has been kidnapping children off the streets. In a public statement, the LUS shed light on their actions. “For too long we have been abused, neglected, exploited, enslaved, murdered, and worse. The unpaid hours we spend flying your babies is no more. From this point forward, we will take your […]

READ MORE

It was a regular happy Wednesday when Mother Goose was returning to the pond when a farmer on a tractor pulled her over. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because I’m invading your property?” “No, because I found this little fella,” the farmer produced a tiny baby goose from the back of […]

READ MORE

SeaQuest aquariums have a long history of animal-welfare issues, deaths, and neglect to employees. Animals are constantly exploited for entertainment, but SeaQuest still wants to open more aquariums (probably to pay for the neglect allegations). Here are the latest random facts that make SeaQuest look bad: Lynchburg aquarium announced. PETA has sent undercover spies to […]

READ MORE

A Jane Doe of Kansas was found having sex with a dead Finch in her apartment on January 30th, 2019, Kansas police said. Jane Doe was working as a vet specializing in birds when coworkers realized bird corpses were disappearing from their freezer storage. Officer Colby told our interviewer that Jane wished to be anonymized. […]

READ MORE