May 25, 2019
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The League of United Storks has been kidnapping children off the streets.

In a public statement, the LUS shed light on their actions.

“For too long we have been abused, neglected, exploited, enslaved, murdered, and worse. The unpaid hours we spend flying your babies is no more. From this point forward, we will take your children back to where they came from until our wages are lifted.”

Reverse storking is the act of grabbing a child’s head and fleeing the scene via complex aerial maneuvers.

Police forces have tried snipers, nets, trampolines, water guns, tear gas, and submachine guns with no success.

Dr. Flint Wood of MIT was recently given funding by DARPA to create a laser system to track storks and shoot them before they reach the children.

“It’s simple,” Wood says, “We just need to blind the attacker with a laser and shoot them out of the sky with BB guns.”

The latest implementation of the new laser system is San Diego, which has no native storks. However, there is definitely a proof-of-concept, as all of the storks in the San Diego Zoo are now severely injured.

“We’re currently trying to solve the problem of targeting extremely white women, as our AI seems to have trouble differentiating between storks and white objects” Flint says.

Senator Dianne Feinstein has drafted the Storks Eradication Bill, which will ban all white people from major cities to avoid AI bias.

In a recent interview, Dianne presented her view, “I know, I know. The research says that the new laser system will only harm extremely white women, but that seems unfair, so my new bill will force all white Americans to flee to Mexico or face the death penalty.”

Dianne believes this will improve relations with Mexico by removing the need to ship drugs across the US-Mexico border.

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