May 25, 2019
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A Jane Doe of Kansas was found having sex with a dead Finch in her apartment on January 30th, 2019, Kansas police said.

Jane Doe was working as a vet specializing in birds when coworkers realized bird corpses were disappearing from their freezer storage.

Officer Colby told our interviewer that Jane wished to be anonymized. “Charred and unrecognizable remains were found in the anal cavity of thirty-two Toucans” he reported.

Her boyfriend was found dead tied to a bed frame in a Garfield fursuit missing his penis. Multiple marks made by birds were found around the missing gentinals and various burn marks were found on his neck and back.

Colby admitted he’d never witnessed such a case. “There were a total of about 164 birds that we’ve found so far.”

As he said that, a paramedic yelled, “She has birds in her vagina!”

“Excuse me?”

Jane began to moan and weak chirps were heard.

The paramedic and Officer Colby watched in terror as she birthed a stream of baby chicks onto the floor.

Lawyers on both the defense and prosecution are currently trying to send Jane to a mental facility.


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